RIBA rage

[Marcel]

I am 4 weeks into my second treatment, this is a clinical trial for a new drug and Ribaviron. The rage just started kicking in about a week ago and it's serious. Luckily on one hand I live alone. On the other hand I have to do everything myself which includes building a wood fire daily. My life has many challenges. Wood fires require stacking wood and carrying wood indoors. I live in the country and drive 30 miles for a good grocery and over 50 each way to the doctor. I'm extremely fatigued and lay in bed when I'm not doing a chore. I have a Yorkie and a small cat. They're feeling it and are constantly whining and demanding attention. I yelled twice today. I hate myself for it. I envision completely destroying my house in a screaming psychotic rage, but for the most part I eat it and let it eat me up inside. I am so afraid I'm going to snap

[gnatcatcher]

Marcel, your life does indeed have many challenges. Since you are in a clinical trial but live so far from the doctor, have the trial people given you a phone number you can call on the weekend? They may be able to prescribe something. If not, they may know of a help line you can call as often as you need to vent and/or they may be able to suggest a source of temporary human help while you are extremely fatigued.

It is natural to hate yourself when you yell at your cat and dog, but at the same time you know it's not the real you, it's the Riba. If you are keeping friends, neighbors, and relatives away because of the unpredictability, explain up front that the medicine causes angry outbursts for which you are sorry in advance, but if they could spare a few hours to help out, you sure would appreciate it. They could at least take the dog for walks and give both pets attention, which would be a help.

Please keep letting us know how things are going.

Gnatty

[KimInTheForest]

Quite a few of us have gone through the same thing you are, Marcel. I know how difficult the riba rage can be. But just keep reminding yourself "This isn't me, it's the drugs" AND "This is only temporary - this will all be over in a few weeks."

Also, try not to be too hard on yourself during this period. I was worried I was going to crack some molars, I was clenching my teeth so hard due to riba rage. Fortunately I live alone and work from home, so I could just remove myself from people during that period of my treatment.

In Five Element Theory (the 2,500-year-old foundation for Traditional Chinese Medicine), each of the body's 5 major organs has its own virtue, as well as its own unique negative emotion. The liver's virtue is kindness and gratitude. Its negative emotion is anger. I came to think of my riba rage as being my liver purging itself of the last of its negative energy as the virus was being eliminated from my body. In other words - an essential part of the healing process.

Good luck, and do keep us posted.
kim

[Marcel]

Thank you for the feedback and good suggestions. Yes Kimin I clench my teeth too, HARD. Worrisome. I know I need a mouth guard. I do keep telling myself it's the drugs, but the little poison darts of negativity come fast and furious. My imagination has gone into horror mode. I daydream bout blowing my house up. I get angry at inanimate objects when they hurt me, lol. Today I thought about getting drunk in a bar and starting a bar fight. I'm a 62 yr old woman! I yell at God! I cry constantly. Frustration off the charts. I think a lot of this will be funny in hindsight. Sometimes even the following day. So unpredictable. I like that about my liver spewing the last of the negativity. It's a nice perspective.

[BillT]

Hi Marcel,
             I've read this post a few times today and tried to think of something to say that's worth damn.I'm really sorry you're going through this,and I can hear how bad it is for you.One thing to expand on what Gnatty said about seeing if you can get someone to help you.I can see from what you posted how tired you are,but maybe you could get some help,and then take a walk or something while they do it.I realize it's winter so it may not be a option for you.I just thought I would throw it out there.You can also come here and vent.A lot have been through it hard like you,and we've heard it all.You're not alone.I wanted to say talk to your doctors about taking you off since it's obviously doing a lot of damage,but since this is a trial that might not be a option.You definitely need to discuss it with them as soon as you can.Let us know how it's going,and please try to take it easy on the animals.Best of luck.

[Marcel]

I actually spent an hour stacking wood for the week, came in and made a lovely meal and I'm back in bed. I'm so isolated and it's so hard for me to ask for help. I know I need to start though, especially with the wood. It's crazy. I'm sticking this out because it's a clinical trial and all meds are free. Plus it is specifically for my genotype 3 which is resistant. Some days will be venting, some days I report on my accomplishments. Only those that have really been through it understand. Thanks to each and every one of your for continued encouragement.